47 Demiwarlock’s d100 Magical Tomes

Another necro-retro-post from the past! The d100 pseudo-magical tomes was one of my first posts on my old blog, Cauldrons & Clerics, and here I’m bringing it to expanded un-life!

From the old post: I’ve culled and collated a list of more-or-less silly ideas for pseudo-magical tomes – updated to 100 items with great help and motivation from the G+ OSR Community (looking at Grey Knight, Chris Tamm, Keith J Davies and Noah Stevens in particular. Fellow contributors: if there’s some particular link you want associated with your name, let me know. In lieu of other information, I’ve simply added any active blog I could find to yer naem. :))

Since the old post, I’ve added bonus effects to all the tomes and some tables. By the way, if you’re enjoying this stuff, a great way to show how much you love it is by joining the @stratometaship on Twitter or following along with my patreon.

d6 How to learn what’s in the tome (and gain the bonus):

comprehend the arcane formulations (Int save DC 4d6), use knowledge Arcana instead of an Int save, if you prefer.
channel the demonic spirits within the book (Wis save 2d10+2), lose 1 point of Charisma on a failed save.
grind 1d6 x 10% of the book into dust and snort the decoction. Yes. This book has limited uses.
sacrifice of yourself to the book, growing its strength and withering your body (lose 1 point of Con).
face the Corruption of the Book of the Knowledge of That Which is Beyond the Veil of Good and Evil (gain a mutation or corruption or insanity or something. I have a table for that, you probably do, too).
just regular old study, it’s going to take 3d6 weeks to chew through it, but you’ll get it in the end, so long as your Int is at least 3d6. Roll for the Int requirement after the 3d6 weeks have elapsed. Yes. It is possible to spend weeks studying a topic, only to find out you are too thick to get it.

d12 And what does the tome look like?

A synthskin cyber-fiche that fits in a pocket and comes with a handy-dandy micro-lens reader. It’s very portable, but fiddly to read. You’re not reading spells from this in the heat of battle.
Memory fluid. Make sure to refill it regularly with cognitive juices, or it might drain out. Requires a syringe or potion flask for every ‘reading’. Reading it is a real rush, too.
Baked clay tablets, man. Better have a little wagon ready.
Bone scales of the gimlet dragon. Man, this thing is epic and shiny, and some stupid barbarian might think it’s just 500 cash worth of gem flakes. It’s not. It’s an archive of ancient lore and shit!
Parchment bound in a codex bound in silver chain locked with three arcane seals. What kind of silly demon is bound inside?
Chattering skull, maybe a dog’s skull or something. Damnit, the thing croons through the night and talks with you in your dreams when you memorize spells and you have to fall asleep to write new spells into it. What the hell is this thing?
A spool of silver wool, you make patterns with your hands, cat’s cradle-style, to tease meanings and spells out and into it.
A brush of jade and gold and sable, it drinks in what you write with blue ink, and spills its secrets with red ink. All the papers and parchments? You just need a surface for the brush, but it’s the brush that is the spell tome.
This one is a classic. A round, crystal ball. Gaze inside and find the spells written within. Spells even come color-coded for faster memorization (memorize one extra spell when you use this “tome”).
An empty book, full of empty pages, the words only appear when summoned by the ritual incantation of “oufaq, oufaq, uerd idaip utit.”
A collection of steel and ebony plates bound in the sinews of a satyr, it resonates the spell into your ear when struck with a small yellow ritual mallet. When struck with a small red ritual mallet, it releases a spell at full power, instantaneously, but it is then no longer inscribed in the tome. The green mallet is for taking notes, entering reminders, and scribbling down new spells.
Just like the regular book you imagined. Oh, well. At least it has dope angel-skin-leather covers.

Thus I give you …

d100 Demiwarlock’s Prescribed List of Somewhat Magical Tomes of the Rainbowlands

Teobaldik’s Necrologicon – a book on the theory of necromancy. Bonus: proficiency in necromantic history and theory, advantage on checks to activate ancient necromantic artifacts.
The Voerrecian Interpretations of the Ancestors – a book on necromancy. Bonus: proficiency in one language an ancestor of yours spoke, and acquire the spell, Comprehend Dead Language. You can’t speak it, because you never heard it pronounced, but you can read it. Totes. Hic hoc signo vinces, tic toc mater-futator!
Childred’s Vivifective Sourcebook – a book on reanimating the dead. Bonus: you learn how to reanimate a corpse servant using an involved, three-day ritual involving a copper cauldron, three cheeses, dribbly candles, moonlight and 50 gp in snacks. Them dead have munches. The corpse servant is pretty useless in combat (falling apart, yo), but can otherwise perform the tasks of an ordinary servant. Just don’t make it cook, if you don’t want to eat mummified servant bits.
Forma Pelluriana – a book on shape shifting. Bonus: if you can already shape-shift, you gain the ability to shape-shift one more time. In every case, you can learn a Resistance to the Shifted spell, that provides resistance from shape-shifted creature attacks.
Philip’s Draconiforma – a book on shape shifting with an emphasis on dragons. Bonus: proficiency in the lore of dragons, and the knowledge of a protracted, 1d6 month long ritual, that lets you become some sort of draconian. Gaining a fiery breath, or something. Perhaps, combined with the Forma Pelluriana, you might learn to steal a dragon’s form.
Miscellania Pyrologica – a book on miscellaneous fire magics. Bonus: you can now change the color of flames with the application of certain mundane dusts. Color code your own fire balls!
Onin’s Elementary Pyrotechnics – a book on explosive and elemental spells. Bonus: you can now make your explosive spells blinding or deafening.
Anthologia Cryomantica – a book on ice spells and weather forecasting in winter. Bonus: you gain advantage to survival checks in winter.
Nevan’s Codex Nevens – a book on snow magic. Bonus: you learn how to make snow of many colors, and also learn the supremely useful spell, Cloak of Snow, which creates a warm white cloak out of snow for you to wear. Yeah, you probably won’t freeze in the snow any more.
The Collected Scrolls of the Chapter of Susurrations – a book on snake magic. Bonus: you can now speak to snakes at will.
Principia Velenosa – the principles of poisons. Bonus: you gain advantage to saves vs. poison if you are aware that a surface or object or creature is poisonous. You just take precautions, like, not staring right into a face-hugger’s ass-pod.
Childred’s Resurrected Works – a book on raising the dead. Bonus: you learn how to restore life to a slain person, using an involved and gruesome ritual that takes 1d6 days and involves a human sacrifice, two chickens, a roast ox and three singing virgins (gender optional). The restored person loses 1 point from each ability for every day you needed to perform the ritual.
Echo’s Soothing Chrestomathy – a book of healing and cleansing spells. Bonus: you learn the ritual Purify Hands and Operating Theatre, which provides advantage to all surgery checks.
Indra’s Waters of Life – a book on healing draughts and rains. Bonus: you are now proficient in meteorology.
Iz Sidri’s Manual of the Protection of Sacred Life – a book on hunting the undead. Bonus: you have learned how to really hurt the undead, and can now deal critical hits to them.
De Aque Sancte – a book on holy waters of different sorts. Bonus: you can now use the spells Bless or Purify Water to create several kinds of holy water, including pickling holy water, wound-cleansing holy water, holy water to help cast out demons, and holy water for hurting the undead. Those waters give advantage when used for the task they were made for. So epic.
Jillian’s Phantasmagoricystica – a book on phantasmal spells. Bonus: in particular, you may learn the spell Phantom Cyst, which either creates an illusion of an inflamed cyst on the target’s skin, or turns a phantom into a cyst-like wisp of light.
Derigeur’s Mirror of Smoke – a book on illusion spells. Bonus: you now have an advantage to saves against visible illusions.
Salic’s Lex Sanguifecta – a book on the law of blood magic. Bonus: you now have advantage on spells cast against enemies who’s blood you possess and hold in a crystal vial in your free hand while shouting arcane words like, “Ich! Dich! Trinken! Tanzen! Ich! Dich! Blut und Boden! Poden! Poden!”
The Diary of a Leech – a book on blood magic and healing. Bonus: you now gain advantage to healing checks against poisons and ill humors when using a properly treated leech.
Piniped’s By the Sword of the Gods – a book on holy weapons and enchantments. Bonus: you can now identify one enchantment of a magic weapon by stabbing or wounding yourself with it for full damage. You can identify one enchantment per day in this way.
The Crusade of the Interstices – a book on holy battle magic and travelling the Paths of the Voids. Bonus: you have advantage on saves against getting lost in the Corridor Dimensions, or when using a planar portal.
Ulrik’s Monographia Insomniae – a book on nightmare magic. Bonus: you gain advantage on saves against sleep and nightmares.
The Umbral Tome – an anonymous book on shadow magic. Bonus: whenever somebody utters your name, you can cause them to lose sight of you momentarily, giving you a chance to hide or run.
Iz Kronske’s Theoriae Petromantiae – on the theories of rock magic. Bonus: gain the ability to Speak with Rock d6 times per day. Problem: most rocks have no eyes and a poor grasp of time. Still, may be useful for those old standing stones.
2^nd Principia Geomantica – the higher principles of earth magics, anonymous. Bonus: you learn a ritual to turn fire, wood, water and metal into earth. It takes you one day per standard cubic unit of measure.
Hydromantia of Laurent od Sushotsk – an introductory tome of water magic. Bonus: you gain advantage to Purify Water and similar attempts to create pure water sources.
Elementaria Aquatica – on water elementals. Bonus: you learn that elementals are misunderstood spirits, but can now also turn fire into an upward gushing waterfall once per week at a cost of 1d6 hp per six cubic metres of fire affected. Or, you know, you can put out a torch by gripping it with your hand at will.
Encyclopaedia Phytomantica – a compendium of plant spells. Bonus: you learn a ritual to create a Wooden Womb inside a sufficiently large tree, where you can rest concealed from the world. It takes 2d12 minutes to shape the womb by whispering odd hippy music to the tree.
Shrub Wizard for Life, by W. E. Bos – an overview of shrub and tree magic. Bonus: you learn the spell Shrubform which lets you turn into a shrub. The higher-level you cast the spell, the larger and more tree-like the shrub can be. A 9th level casting probably lets you turn into a World Tree.
Portando il fine – anonymous book of death magic. Bonus: you learn the cantrip Peaceful Release, which lets you put down dying targets within 15′ with nothing but a whisper and a gesture and a glowing dove ascending into ethereal space. That’s right, any target below 0 hp, you whisper some words, and the spirit goes to its version of the afterlife.
Lilander’s Entropia – a book of death and entropic magic. Bonus: you gain resistance against necrotic attacks.
De Rarum Daemonicum – a book on daemons and their summoning. Bonus: when you have enough time to properly prepare a summoning circle, you gain advantage on rolls to control a summoned daemon. Does not work on demons, devils, or other outsiders.
The Excorcist’s Cookbook – a book on fighting daemonic possession. Bonus: you learn how to bake a pie or create an ointment that grants the victim of possession a save, or advantage on a save, against daemonic possession.
The Fires of Hell, by E. Quimble – a book on hellfire. Bonus: if you know any fire spells, you may now call them hellfire spells. They will do extra damage to holy targets.
Codex Contegatiae – a collection of works on protective spells. Bonus: you can now cast one protection spell per day as a reaction. You also gain advantage to dispelling one protective spell you know.
The Golden Armour of Nilnamur – a book on protective magic. Bonus: you can now cast one instance of Golden Mage Armor per day, which is twice as effective as a regular mage armor you can already cast.
Magnifica Abjuratica – a poorly spelled book on more protective magic. Bonus: you know understand how to bypass protective magics with your bare hands. Is that helpful? Who knows.
Filinda’s Tricks and Traps – a book of magic tricks and camouflage tips. Bonus: you learn a series of glamours that lets you change shape to appear as a Mimic, Roper, or those stalactite assholes that drop from the ceiling. It doesn’t make you any better at combat, though.
Der Doppelganger – a book on doppelgangers and the changing of faces. Bonus: you learn a grotesque ritual for permanently acquiring the face of another creature involving the spell Alter Self, a scalpel and a face off.
Petra Alchimistica – a book on the philosopher’s stone. Bonus: you can not control it, but somehow, when you eat spicy food, you now excrete flakes of pure gold. Approximately 1 gp worth per bowel movement. Congratulations. What have you done to yourself?
Solvents Versal and Universal – a book on acid magics. Bonus: you learn a ritual for dissolving yourself into a colloidal solution and traveling in water as a dispersed suspension. It’s kind of creepy and gross, but if you have an hour and 100 gp worth of magical supplies (including a lot of salt), you can totally hide in that bath tub when the Requesters come knocking. Just be careful they don’t drain you into the ocean.
The Arrow of Acid and Other Elixirs – a book on acid arrows and various odd elixirs. Bonus: you have learned how to make an elixir of acid resistance. It costs 50gp per elixir, and you can only maintain as many active elixirs as you have Constitution points.
Miffle’s Meta-metallurgica – a book on meta-metallurgy and alchemy. Bonus: you can now turn iron into steel, steel into ceramics, or ceramics into iron, with the application of a pungent mixture derived from rat bladders, saltpetre and a mysterious mollusc named Dave. It’s pretty cheap to make, just takes 1d6 hours per pound being converted.
Iota’s Energia Mystica – a book on spells of force. Bonus: you can now surf on Tenser’s Floating Disc, propelling yourself as though a Mage Hand were gently pushing you along. Yes, you too can now do the stylish arch-wizard-waltz-n-slide!
Theresia’s Telekinaesthetics – a book on telekinetics. Bonus: you gain advantage to saves against ESP and telekinetics and Mage Hand and all those force magics.
Cooking Clerics, by W. Itch – a book of potion recipes for the budding witch. Bonus: you learn how to make 2 of the following potions: 1) a potion of resistance to lice, 2) a potion of repulsion, 3) a potion of propulsion, 4) a potion of ludicrous farting, 5) a potion of testicular torsion, 6) a potion of peonies, 7) a potion of red, 8) a potion to turn duck eggs into snake eggs, 9) a potion to turn a mushroom into a mushroom-ent of middling proportions, 10) a potion to awaken a broom (but not teach it to fly), 11) a potion to induce rapid hair growth, 12) a potion or ointment to remove hair permanently.
De Orbis Malefex – a book on curses and evil eyes. Bonus: gain advantage against gaze attacks you can see coming at you.
Tellurian’s the Mastery of Puppets – a book on voodoo and curses. Bonus: gain advantage on charm and domination spells when you have a part of the target’s body (hair, nail clippings, droppings, etc.).
Riding the Lightning, by I. Stormborn – a book of electric spells and magics. Bonus: when you cast any electrical spell with more than one target, you can suddenly shift your location by about 6 feet. It looks really freaky.
A Rare Light, by McFilinda – a book of light spells. Bonus: you can now create light spells in any color you like, including octarine.
Principiae Lucens en Spectrals – a book on spells of the electromagnetic spectrum. Bonus: you can now create light spells from UV to infrared to X-ray and more. Yes, you can even create gamma-ray lights. Yes, you can now cause radiation sickness with a light spell. Yes, it takes a long time. It’s not that strong.
Channelling for Chumps, by U. Krum – an advanced book on war magic. Bonus: you can now cast conjuration and channeling spells just by shouting REALLY LOUDLY AND ANNOYINGLY when you cast them. If, in battle, the din is to great for others to hear you, the spell WON’T WORK!
The Death Dealer – a semi-autobiographical book on battle magic. Bonus: you gain resistance to axes.
Hippie Hexen Herbarium – a compendium of herbal potions and decoctions. Bonus: you gain resistance or vulnerability to herbal potions, as the occasion requires.
Opus Herbata – more herbal spells. Bonus: you can now ritually transmute one herb into another, given about four hours, several buckets of soil, and one carp. Don’t ask.
The Clock of Fate – a book on trapping elemental souls in clockwork cages. Bonus: you can now use clocks as a spell-casting focus, giving you advantage against elemental spirits. Only one clock per spirit, though.
Vaporous Layaboutry – a book on steampunk magic. Bonus: you learn a ritual to trap an air or water spirit in a steam turbine, generating energy with its rage. One of your spell slots is permanently locked, keeping the spirit trapped in its workplace. If released, the spirit hates you. A lot. And calls you dirty names.
The Clockwork Goblin, by S. Tubbins – a book on automata. Bonus: given a week, some books, paint, lipstick and three books, you can transfer a sentient creature’s soul into an automaton, awakening the automaton into sentience. The original personality is completely wiped in the transfer.
Origen’s Exothermonomicon – a book on magical bombs. Bonus: if you know any damaging spells, you can now use a ritual involving glass balls, straws, potatoes and snuff, to turn them into throwing grenades. The range is 20/60. Accuracy isn’t really required, but if you throw that fireball right into the damned rogue’s face, that rogue should have disadvantage on saves.
Shilben’s The Perversions of the Mind – a book on psionic spells. Bonus: you can now move small objects like dice or pencils with your mind. It looks creepy. The force you can exert is about that of a dung beetle.
Handel’s Tabulations of the Razor – a book on domination and mind control. Bonus: by blowing an extra spell slot or sacrificing 1d6 hp, you can keep a charmed or dominated target from realizing that your next suggestion is a really bad idea. Like, their left hand won’t realize their right hand just pulled that pin and jammed the grenade in their jammies. Creepy.
Sachsen’s Magic Axe – a book of heavy metal bard spells. Bonus: you can now growl without damaging your throat, and it sounds so epic. You can turn elemental damage into regular metal damage while growling. Fireball, but it hurts like steel.
The Thunder of the Gods – a book of loud sonic spells. Bonus: you learn the cantrip Really Loud Bang. It can deafen targets in a 20′ radius and has a 120′ casting range.
Karver’s Resilience of Rust – a book on the rust monster and the replication of its powers. Bonus: you can now bring rust to any spotless iron surface you touch and caress and tenderly coat in your own saliva. It takes you about ten minutes to rust through a centimetre of iron.
Cyclopedia Golemica – a book on the manufacture of golems. Bonus: you are now so talented, you can tell the make and model of most golems simply by observing their movements and build. Does it help combat them, well, sometimes.
I, Golem – a semi-autobiographical magic book on golem programming. Bonus: you can now increase the intelligence of any golem you work on for a week by 1.
Wyrding for Women – a book on divination. Bonus: if you are a woman, you gain a permanent +1 to all your divination spells. If you are a man, you learn that drinking is not the way to hone your mind and attain inner peace and acquire advantage to saves against alcoholism. Specific, innit?
The Scissors of Life – a tome on astrology and curses. Bonus: you gain advantage to curses against targets when you have access to their astral number code.
The Seven Forbidden and Hidden Tomes of Unknown Contents: the Skin Book of Innumerable Eyes, Ulrik’s Gazes Beyond the Void, the Six Tongues of the Fast Stars, Origen’s The Stars Like Dust, Curiosites of de Vooid, Handel’s Calculations of the Immortal Mind, Krasius’ Rips in the Sail of Time. Bonus: you sprout 1d20 eyes across your body, 1d6 of your eyes turn blind as they gaze beyond the void but your maximum lifespan increases by 1d6 x 10 years, you learn 1d6 new languages but lose 1d6 Wisdom, you gain resistance to necrotic and radiant damage and vulnerability to all normal damage, you gain expertise in Arcana and lose proficiency in Persuasion and Intimidation, you learn a ritual to inscribe your personality on the void – destroying your body, but ensuring a you will exist forever, or you learn how to travel back in time a week and stop yourself from reading these damned tomes.
The Perpidexicon of Knaardge – insane geometry and esoteric poetry (Chris Tamm). Bonus: you can cast Confusion once per day by reciting a mad poem you pluck from the mad geometry of your mind.
Mysteries of True Form: A pamphlet on the regular solids and their magical connections to higher planes of existence (Grey Knight). Bonus: when holding a regular solid, closing your eyes and screaming in the Abysmal Chant, “Yuka, yuka, yuka, paka ua katapaka!” you have advantage on Arcana checks. Not sure how that helps, though.
Agamu’s Matters Relating to the Care of Rulers: A carefully-worded treatise useful for those wishing to become an éminence grise. Without going so far as to directly state anything incriminating, to the discerning reader the tome gives tips on controlling from behind the throne, including some subtle spells which superficially appear beneficial to the recipient (Grey Knight). Bonus: you learn a series of charms known collectively as the Happy Boor, which reduce a target’s Charisma to 6, while making them very satisfied, happy and content.
A Booke of Babie-Catching – a lavishly illustratted twoe kolor toom desined fore de expert midwyf hoe woudde improewe haar skilles with severale jusefull spelles and ointments for Healing, de Easing off Paines, de Blessinge of Chinderens ande de Skaring Awaye off Eville Spiritts. Bonus: you now have advantage on midwifery checks, which is actually a useful thing to have in a pseudo-medieval post-apocalyptic wasteland of swords and sorcery.
Deringle’s Spelling in Spelles: a treatise on the importance of properly archaic spelling for maximum magical magnificence. Bonus: choose 3 spells you know, you can now cast a variant of them that relies on the addition or subtraction or modification of one letter. E.g., if you know Fireball you might also gain the ability to cast Firewall, Firball, Tireball, Firetall, Foreball, Firebull or some other such nonsense. Firebull is cool, by the way.
On The Discovery of Changelings: a worn folio illuminated manuscript describing the methods of finding out children and adults whose forms have been replaced by faerie creatures. None of the spells actually work or do anything. The book radiates subtle magic a la Nystul’s Magic Aura (Noah Stevens). Bonus: you now have advantage against fey mind-affecting spells.
Riobalt’s On the Permutations of the Elements – a weighty alchemical tome on ways to transmute gold into other, less valuable metals and ores through the application of time and effort. Bonus: you are now 10% more effective when purchasing any bulk good for gold.
This collection of scrolls is marked with an ancient glyph for PROTECTION, and, on the inside, the words for BANISHING and DESTRUCTION in beautiful illuminated script. It seems at first reading a series of instructions for managing safety from various entities ranging from bothersome to evil. Upon closer reading, it is just that, only it’s talking about ways to effectively secure your house from a variety of household pests and nuisances. Some of the suggested tactics are magical, others mundane (Shoe Skogen). Bonus: you now literally know how to make a better mousetrap, giving you advantage on combat checks against small rodents.
Kaasandra’s Tome of Prophecies Ignored – a pseudo-autobiographical work detailing the woe that befell those who did not heed the prophecies of Kaasandra of Nuurt. Among the dross are several useful spells for making people forget small things, like where they left the keys yesterday, as well as a rare version of the ancient Sumoninge of Sockes, which is a curse that removes one sock, never a pair, from the target’s luggage, baggage, chest or wardrobe. Bonus: you learn one of the spells: Forgetting of Small Things, Accursed Summoning of Sockes, and Remembrance of Lost Times with Wistful Longing.
Fulster’s Transnominacon – a tome with a lot of name magic, including spells for permanently altering the true names of other wizards, weakening their spellcraft. Bonus: once you know a wizard’s true name, you can carry out a ridiculous ritual, involving a celestial registrar, a lot of bureaucracy, a lawyer and reams of ink. From then on, all the wizard’s spells are one level weaker.
Cereth’s Manual of Nothing: creative uses for voids, holes, and absences of things. Includes instructions on how to build your own “hole box”, with which to collect holes from things. Cereth recommends taking the keyhole from your house with you when you go out — you can even leave the key behind to confuse burglars a bit more! Advanced topics include how to sew several holes together to make a net (Grey Knight). Bonus: you learn how to Take the Hole, letting you remove a hole from an object and hold it in your mind, occupying one spell slot. You can restore the hole at will.
Zuiker’s Pyscathonomica Profunda – seventeen different fish-based magics and a guide to how to catch a fish without actually cheating very obviously. Bonus: you gain advantage on fishing, so long as you can cast cantrips.
The Loosening of the Arrow – a mystical work that describes archery and its practice, as well as several enchantments and evocations that aid the teaching and firing of arrows from a bow (Noah Stevens). Bonus: you can now teach someone to learn archery in half the time it would normally take. So useful!
Il Sas Domine by Peotra the Second – a tome on the properties of divine stones and the uses of standing stones in divine magic. Bonus: you now have advantage to casting one spell while standing on a standing stone from an ancient time. Choose the spell yourself.
Beyond the Studies of the Vermicelli Mentali or Mind Worms, sometimes translated as Mind of the Flying Spaghetti Monster – those magics so corrupting that merely reading them lodges them in the magic users brain, where they corrupt him and drive him toward malign Kaos (LR and Keith J Davies). Bonus: if you decide to become Chaotic, you are rewarded with one additional spell slot, one additional finger, and one additional idea. If you refuse, the opposite happens. If you are already Chaotic, you gain advantage against worms.
Lo! Apprehension of the Great Noodley One – a book of magic tricks, biology and numerology (LR and Keith J Davies). Bonus: you now have advantage to all pasta spells and can use Rope Trick on spaghetti.
Biblia Pastariffica – over thirty-seven fully fledged pasta based magics, including the ritual for summoning Tensorio’s Floating Plate of Pasta, capable of carrying up to 33 pounds of pasta, as well as Pelatio’s Instant Pesto, which automagically transforms available ingredients into a thermally treated purée perfect for adding to cooked pasta (LR). Teratic/Mythos version: including living creatures… but you are compelled to eat heartily (Keith J Davies). Bonus: you also gain the ability to regain 1d4 hp from a full pasta meal (takes half an hour to eat).
Kompendio Kompetitivo de Mensen Pugnalant – a compendium of spells to incite greater competitiveness in testosterone-fuelled competitors, written in execrable vulgate by the Ringmaster Iu Dauron. Bonus: you gain resistance to Intimidate and gain advantage to grappling checks.
Movements of the Ents and the Magical Properties Thereof: a work in low Entish, or perhaps Sahaugin (in the 2nd edition) that describes a single spell that may be learned by studying the prolonged mating dances of Ents that sometimes take up to a thousand years to observe in their entirety (Noah Stevens). Bonus: you learn to appreciate the small things in life and gain advantage to saving throws against all temporal and necrotic magics. You do not learn the actual Ent spell in this case.
The Temporal Compendium to the Movements of the Ents – includes a short discourse on trans-temporality and a spell for the chronopetrification of the participant, allowing him to observe an entire entish mating dance in the form of a petroglyph inscribed upon a cliff or other large, flat surface (LR). Bonus: you learn a ritual to turn yourself into a petroglyph inscribed on a cliff or large, flat surface. If someone tries to chisel you off, you come awake, angry and frustrated.
Zwibli’s Schweinmenschen und Vogelfrauleinen – a short volume on defensive polymorphication and the determination of compatible animal forms for opponents. Bonus: you learn how to shapeshift into a swine (if male) or a songbird (if female). This works as the druid ability, including limitations on use.
Ariog od Tamakau’s The Way of All Flesh – a grossly padded and voluble volume detailing magics for the creation of flesh golems and electrick zombies. Bonus: you gain advantage on all checks to create a flesh golem or an electric zombie. Additionally, you can usually find their weak spot easily, giving you advantage on grappling attacks to disable them. Of course, why you would want to grapple a goddamned electric zombie is beyond me.
Sambana’s Swordes of Soursery – a fascinating volume on all the different magical swords you will never possess as well as a recipe for crafting a sword +1½. Bonus: you gain advantage on History checks to understand the origin of magic swords, additionally you can use the Identify spell on two swords at once.
Elrick’s of Yon Coult of de Blaue Oeyster – a treatise on planeswalking, limbo, black blades and the summoning of coultosauroses. Bonus: you gain resistance to all black blades and black weapons in general.
Historie of Daemons & Wizards, an Illustrated Compendium – a guide to different daemon summoners and what happened to them, also includes a do-it-yourself summoning ritual. Guaranteed safe or your money backe. Bonus: you can decide to abort one summoning ritual per day after rolling your dice, but before declaring the result. You just peered into the future and thought to yourself, damned, summoning Belphegor with a natural 2 … that’s bleak.
De Waggone Withoute Horses – a story by the half-mad wizard Necropius dealing with time-travel and meeting the “ghost in the shell”. Bonus: you now have expertise with autonomous land vehicles. Is that useful?
Visshalt’s Kompendium Delique Portee – a tome on the portals into the fae realms and certain fae spells. Bonus: you now have advantage against fae portal spells, teleportations, and other such nonsenses.
Oeilburforse’s Vilis a Levioribus Tractandis Hora Prandii – dealing with rapid and effective spells against liches as well as magic to keep dinner warm while you go adventuring. Bonus: you learn the cantrip Satisfying Rations, which smears your horrible adventuring ration and moldy bread in a glamour of flavor and taste. You can affect one meal in this way at a time, and it takes your full concentration. The meal is actually still horrible, but it tastes nice.
Oot’s Giokando Per Vintere – a tome of wine magic and how to regularly win while gambling, forbidden in most casinos. Bonus: you gain expertise in one type of gambling.
Piniped’s Eminently Useful Tome – a magical tome of numerous spells for dealing with poisons, digestive issues and other similar afflictions. Comes with fifty magically replenishing empty, thin, soft sheets of paper in the back of the book. Bonus: you learn the first level spell, Conjure Civilized Commode. It does just that. No more doing it in the dirt, no sirree.

There!

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